Try to Remember
by chocolatequeen
Summary: companion piece to Never Forget, told completely from Harm's POV as he analyzes how they got to this point.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own them and it would be pointless to sue me anyway. I'm broke! I also don't own the song "Try to Remember" out of the musical The Fantastiks which is where this title comes from.  
  
Author's note: This story is a companion piece to "Never Forget," detailing the thoughts and emotions Harm felt immediatlely after he realized Mac loved him up until Bethy's birth. And as a side note, since it's from his POV, at times he'll be harder on himself than I would be on him myself… in other words, everything he says is not my opinion of him.  
  
Prologue  
  
July 2003  
  
My name is Harmon Rabb, Jr, and I'm an idiot. I know that's not a typical way to introduce yourself, but I think you'll understand after you've heard my story.  
  
I'm in love, and I just got married two weeks ago. I imagine that confused you even more, so I'll continue. I didn't marry the woman I'm in love with. I can see you're starting to comprehend, but that's only the middle of the story. Let me go back to the beginning.  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Sarah Mackenzie turned my life upside down from the moment I met her. She pivoted to face me on the curb outside the White House Rose Garden, and I was speechless. After all, it isn't everyday you meet someone identical to your dead girlfriend.  
  
But as I got to know Mac, I stopped thinking of Dianne every time I saw her. Then she helped me bring Dianne's killer to justice, even though I tried to take care of it without her.  
  
To this day I'm not 100% certain who I was kissing that cold night in Norfolk. When she stepped out of the mist dressed in Navy whites, she looked like Dianne come back from the grave, and when she said she understood I was kissing my lost love goodbye, it was easier to agree than to examine my emotions.  
  
Hm… I wonder… If I was kissing Dianne, who was Mac kissing? That's an interesting question which I'm sure has an equally intriguing answer. Now if only I'd thought to ask it years ago.  
  
Anyway, from that moment on, I always chose to bury what I might feel for her behind our friendship and our working relationship. Let's see… there was the time on the Watertown when she wanted to talk about why we were getting along and I brushed her off. That was far from the worst of my mistakes, but it was still a mistake.  
  
And then there was the way I didn't tell her I was going back to active flight status until I'd made my decision—didn't even tell her about having my eyes repaired! At the time I was afraid (yes I can admit to being afraid) of her reaction. She'd already given me a great argument for staying on the ground a few weeks before my surgery, and I figured she'd be disappointed in me for wanting to go back. So instead, I made all the arrangements and then told her, not thinking about how that might make her feel.  
  
It's only been in the last year or so that I've understood how big of a mistake that really was. If I'd thought about it from her perspective for a moment, I might have realized that she felt like I was abandoning her by practically sneaking away like that. She even said she felt like everyone was leaving her, and I said nothing to make her feel better. And then in my office when we were saying goodbye? I could have said something more than "What's love got to do with it?" Of course, at the time I didn't know I was falling in love with her, but I could have told her I was going to miss her and that I wasn't leaving her I was leaving JAG.  
  
Because of that misunderstanding, our relationship was rocky when I got back. Looking back at it, I think she was afraid to let me back into her life after I'd just walked out. After a few months, it seemed like everything we'd had before I left was just a dream, that those emotions which had been so close to the surface must have been imagined. That's why what happened in Sydney was such a shock.  
  
Ah yes, Sydney. My shining moment. Here's a piece of advice for guys everywhere: When the woman of your dreams bares her heart to you, make certain she understands what you say in response. I honestly wasn't trying to push her away completely, I was just begging for time. When she asked me if I was only this way with her, I thought that meant she'd understood that I wanted her, but that I wanted to have it all—including the friendship we still had yet to regain.  
  
But as I found out a few days later, she didn't understand any of that. How do I know, you ask? Well I think it's safe to say that if she had, she wouldn't have shown up at the airport wearing Mic Brumby's ring, even on her right hand.  
  
At the time, I thought that meant that… Well, I don't know what I thought it meant exactly, but I was glad I'd decided not to risk our friendship on something more when… like I said, I don't know when what, but somehow I thought this meant I'd made the right decision. Of course, I didn't know then that I was in love with her, I just thought it was "something."  
  
But over the next 15 months, our friendship fizzled away to almost nothing. I was pretty antagonistic toward Mic and that irritated her, and I couldn't understand why she didn't see him as I did and that drove her away. There's more to it than that, but that's the gist of it.  
  
When you add the fact that it was about a year after she took the ring and right after she moved it over to her left hand that I realized that I don't just care for her or love her like a friend, I'm in love with her… well I'm sure you can imagine how I felt. Somedays I don't know if I should thank Kate or kill her for making me see my feelings for Mac. It sure made my life complicated.  
  
I have been told though that I have a way of making simple things complicated. That night on the Admiral's porch when we finally started talking; that was a night to remember. Of course it would have had to be at her engagement party, we never could do things the normal way. I tried to let her know how I feel without just saying, "Sarah, I love you and I think you should marry me instead." As much as I wanted to do just that, it wasn't my place to make the decision for her. I could only hope to be as clear as possible and leave the decision up to her.  
  
And then that kiss! That soul searing, heart racing blood pounding kiss. Without a doubt, the best 18 seconds of my life. For one brief moment I thought we'd done it—we'd gotten through all the muck and mire of misunderstanding and found each other on the other side. But then she stepped away from me and said, "We're getting too good at saying good-bye," and I was struck dumb. I wanted to tell her it hadn't been goodbye for me, but I suddenly realized that she had made her choice, and it wasn't me.  
  
If I hadn't splashed my Tomcat in the Pacific when I tried to get back for her wedding, Sarah would now be Sarah Brumby. No, she didn't leave Mic at the altar because she realized she didn't love him as much as she loved me… he left her because of that. I never have heard exactly what happened, but from what she's told me, her postponement of their wedding and reluctance to reschedule just brought home for him that our relationship… well that there was something about our relationship that he couldn't compete with and he was tired of trying.  
  
The night that he left, I wanted to finally tell her how I feel. When he found her at my apartment and told her he was leaving, I started to tell her. She was so upset that he just couldn't get past us and I told her, "Maybe that's because we can't get past it." And then when she called crying from the airport, I knew it was time. "Come to me," I told her, trying to convey in that one phrase how much I love her and want to be the one who is there for her.  
  
But she got there just minutes after Renee. Renee, my girlfriend. I guess I haven't told you about her yet. I can't really tell you why I started dating her or how we stayed together as long as we did. That night I wanted nothing more than to tell her it was over and get her out of the way before Mac got there. But her father had died and she needed me. As much as I hated it, we were still together and I had an obligation. I couldn't just dump her on one of the worst nights of her life.  
  
So when Mac got there I told her what was going on. She looked so… tired. Tired of hurting, tired of having to be the strong one. I wanted nothing more than to hold her and let her cry, but Renee started to wake up from her tear induced nap, and there was no time. Before Mac left, she seemed to pull herself together and she told me we'd talk when I got back. So I let her go alone and turned back to Renee. I know I didn't really have a choice in the matter, but that one action took away our chance together.  
  
At least that's the way it seemed when I got back and discovered she'd gone TAD in the Indian Ocean. She didn't write and wouldn't talk to me on the phone, so I decided to go out there and force her to talk. I realize now that was the wrong move, but at the time I was so anxious to tell her how I felt that I wasn't thinking clearly.  
  
To say our conversation didn't go well would be putting it mildly. She felt pressured and went into cross-examination mode, and I got defensive and clammed up. I can't tell you why I didn't just say, "Of course I'd give Renee up! Do you think I'd be here to talk about us if I was still planning to string along another woman?" At the very least, that would have put the ball in her court and she would have had to answer my question—what would you do if I did? But instead I held back, and when I did answer she had already left the room.  
  
I went back to Washington a few days later, not knowing if we were even friends anymore. The one thing I was resolved to do was break up with Renee, but she beat me to the punch on that one. I have to say I never expected her to marry a mortician, but then nothing much was going as I expected. After watching the embassy Mac was at get taken over by extremists and not knowing from moment to moment if she was ok, I was even more certain that I wanted there to be an us. But here is Renee, telling me that my one chance at a peace offering with Sarah has already flown away. Unfortunately, it just got worse.  
  
When Mac got back, our relationship was more strained than it was after I came back from flying. I still wanted to talk to her, but she still wasn't ready. All the tension came bubbling to the surface during the JAGathon. I said so many things that week that I wish I could take back, and of course there's the one thing I didn't tell her that I should have. Oh, make that two things. I never told her about Renee, she had to hear that from someone else. And I didn't tell her how I felt.  
  
I was sure the end of the race marked the end of us, and I told her so. But for the first time in over three months, she gave me hope that maybe we could find each other again, if we took our relationship back to the beginning, back to the friendship that had sparked these feelings.  
  
I realize now as I look back at the time between my crash and the JAGathon that if we had tried to get together it would have been an unmitigated disaster. She was still reeling from losing her fiancée and she needed time to sort that out. I needed to get Renee out of my life. Together, we needed to have friendship, a friendship which we had lost over the last two years.  
  
We spent the next few months rebuilding that friendship, and I found myself asking the same question. Can I risk our friendship in hopes of something more? There were so many times when it seemed like it would be the right decision. The kiss under the mistletoe, the moments of light hearted banter over cases, when she told me on the Seahawk that she actually understands how I feel when I'm at sea… so many times.  
  
And yet after all that something held me back. I finally realized what it was after I said goodnight after my flight and tried to go to sleep. We had successfully gone back to the beginning and rebuilt our friendship. This time it was even stronger and more durable than it had been before, because the understanding between us was based upon five years of knowing each other. Having that friendship and understanding in my life was the most important thing in my world, and I couldn't risk giving it up on the chance of something more.  
  
I know that sounds cowardly and self centered. The cowardly part I won't argue, although I will say I had good precedent to think going after a relationship would destroy our friendship. It was not a self-centered move though. I knew that Mac valued our friendship as much or more as I did. I knew that we both needed each other and if we were to lose that it would be hard to regain our bearings and go back to life as it was before. I chose not to take that away for her or from myself, instead I focused all my energy on strengthening our friendship even more.  
  
And I succeeded. Over that spring and summer, our friendship grew beyond what it had been before into… into something that is hard for me to even describe. I guess the only way to put it is that we were more than friends, but not more than more than friends. Oh, the feelings were still there, but they remained buried, hidden in my heart.  
  
And then one cold October day that all changed. I met Jess. 


	2. 

Author's notes: Thank you for all the positive feedback, I especially appreciated the person who said they could hear Harm saying this. I enjoy getting into the characters' minds—figure I ought to put my three semesters as a psych major to use somehow—and I'm glad to know I succeeded in doing so.  
  
Disclaimer: Does anyone really think I own them? If so, did you eat paint chips as a child? C'mon, we all know they belong to Don and Co, although I do like to borrow Harm when Don isn't watching.  
  
bChapter 2/b  
  
When I met Jess, a relationship was the last thing on my mind. It wasn't exactly that I was planning to stay single for the rest of my life—"If I can't have Sarah, I don't want anyone."—it was simply that I hadn't thought about it. I asked her out on a whim. The case we were arguing was over and she commented wryly that obviously her client wasn't going to be taking her out to dinner as he'd planned. I offered to take her instead.  
  
We had a good time, just talking and getting to know each other. And yet as I sat with her, I couldn't help but compare her to Mac. I think that was what made me ask for her number; I was tired of living like that, of always thinking of Mac and wishing I could be with her when I knew that could never happen. So in retaliation against my wayward thoughts, I asked her for her number, and we went out again later that week.  
  
In the beginning, I didn't expect us to become involved. If I'm completely honest, I probably wouldn't have asked her out again if Mac hadn't been so busy with her case that I never saw her. But she was, and I wanted someone to talk to, just another person to share dinner with. So we went out again, and again after that, and before I knew it we were in a relationship.  
  
I made a decision right from the start that I wouldn't leave Jess wondering about Mac and I. The friendship that we have has always caused tension in my relationships, and Jess deserves better than that. Of course, so did Annie, Jordan, and Renee, but I can't undo the past. I wish I could right now though, oh how I wish I could.  
  
You see this paper in my hand? It's a note from Mac telling me… letting me know that she still loves me. Yeah, I'm an idiot. I got involved with another woman—married another woman—when the woman I'm in love with still loved me. Loves me, not loved… she loves me. So believe me, "If I Could Turn Back the Hands of Time…"  
  
But I can't, so let's get back to the story. Things were a bit precarious when Mac found out about Jess. No, I didn't tell her from the start and yes I should have. I just didn't know how to. Plus, I was determined to make this relationship work and for that to happen, I needed her to like Jess.  
  
I did not intend for her to find out accidentally like that, "just happening" to see us together at McMurphy's. When I got to her place and she didn't open the door, I knew I was in trouble. I guess I could have used my key, but I don't think she would have qualified this as an emergency. It's never a good idea to burst in on an angry Marine… believe me, this is the voice of experience speaking.  
  
So instead I turned to persuasion. "We need to talk, Sarah," I said. I don't use her first name that often, most of the time I just call her Mac. But at times when I need her to know that I'm serious about something in our relationship, she's Sarah. This time she understood my point, but she was still cold.  
  
At the time, I was too worried about her being mad at me to notice, but she was more upset than really would have made sense, if it was only the fact that I didn't tell her that was bothering her. I see now that she was hurt that I was dating someone else… if only I'd seen that earlier.  
  
I didn't even notice when her initial reaction to Jess was so distant. Sure, she warmed up by the end of the evening, but it took work on her part. Not even the way she began to distance herself from me registered in my mind.  
  
Until after I proposed, that is. I'd been thinking about it for about a month, even taken the time to talk to Mac about it. She is my best friend after all, who else is a guy going to tell that he's planning to propose to his girlfriend. And when I called her the next day to tell her Jess had said yes, she seemed happy for me.  
  
But then she was so distant later. At the time I figured… well to be honest I was at a loss. I had no clue why she would pull herself away from me, from our friendship like that. Looking back though, knowing what I know, I know exactly why. I know because it's what I did when she got engaged to Brumby. I just couldn't let myself be as close to her, knowing that she would never be mine.  
  
Ironically, it was at my engagement party that I first got an inkling as to what her feelings might be… or rather might still be. If I could pick any night in the last year to go back and redo, it would be that one.  
  
biFlashbacki/b  
  
I guess I just never thought I'd be celebrating your engagement," she said.  
  
He smiled briefly and replied, "Life does have a way of surprising you."  
  
"Yeah I guess. Harm, if you could go back and do one thing differently, what would it be?" she asked suddenly.  
  
"The Admiral once gave me some good advice—"Don't look back." I did then and wished I hadn't. The fact is you can never change the past, you can only deal with how it effects the present."  
  
"You're dropping chaff again Hammer… answer the question."  
  
"I can't Sarah… please don't ask me to," he begged softly.  
  
Their eyes held for a long moment before Mac looked away. "You'd better go in, I'm sure your bride is wondering why you're spending all evening in the garden with the best man."  
  
"Are you coming Mac?" he asked as he stood to go in.  
  
"I'll be there in a minute… please go," she requested.  
  
bEnd Flashback/b/i  
  
Right then I wanted so much to tell her how I felt, that if I could change one thing in my life it would be the way we always seemed to avoid the issue of "us." But I'd made myself a promise that I wouldn't hurt her by bringing that all up again, even though it seemed like there was a chance she felt the same way.  
  
I guess that seems pretty incomprehensible. I love her, she might love me, why did I back away? It was partly because just inside was Jess, the woman I was going to marry. Sometimes I hate it, but I am an honorable person at the core. Honorable people do not make avowals of love at their engagement party to anyone besides their fiancée.  
  
But even more than that, it was fear. Fear that I would lay myself on the line and she would look at me and say "What did you do that for?" or even worse, "It's too late Harm." I knew it was probably too late—even if she still had feelings for me, our time was past—but I couldn't stomach the thought of hearing her actually isay/i it.  
  
So I made a mistake. Instead of telling her then, I waited until it was most certainly too late. After the engagement party, I couldn't get her words out of my mind, and I knew that I had to tell her how I felt. I still couldn't handle the fear of rejection though, so I wrote her a letter telling her that I love her and that there's a part of me that will never forget her. I placed it on her desk late Friday night before the wedding. The next day I got married and went on my honeymoon.  
  
Today is my first day back at work, and I was a little nervous as I came in. I knew that she would make her reaction to my confession clear, at least to me, and I didn't know what that reaction would be. I walked into my office and set down my cover and briefcase before I noticed the note on my desk. It was short simple and to the point.  
  
"H-  
  
Never.  
  
-M"  
  
Now I know that to most people that would be indiscernible, but coming from her, this person who knows me better than anyone else in the world (not excluding my wife), it means that she loves me and is making that same promise, to never forget what might have been.  
  
"Of all the words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these—it might have been." Let me tell you, there are no truer words. Setting the note back down on my desk, I look up and see her standing there. The look of pain she has kills me, all the more because I know it's my fault.  
  
"I'm sorry," I say softly, pushing her hair back from her face.  
  
"I know," she replies simply. "I forgive you." With those few words of reconciliation, we step into each other's arms for a hug. This time, I'm the one crying. Smiling gently, she lifts her hand and wipes the tear away. "We'll live Harm… you'll see." And with that she walks out, leaving me alone to ponder my mistake. 


	3. 

AN: I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get the next part out, the store opened this week and life got way more hectic. Surprisingly, I've had an easy time writing Alias fic though… The lyrics at the end are from the song "Try to Remember" out of the musical The Fantastiks.  
  
Chapter 3  
  
I didn't want to leave. In fact, it was the last thing I wanted, and that was why I knew I had to do it. As much as I love Sarah, she and I can never belong to each other and the sooner we realize that the easier life will be. I knew that for myself I would never fully come to grips with that reality if I saw her everyday… I had to leave.  
  
So I discussed it with Jess, and she agreed. I requested a transfer, and two weeks later we were in sunny California. That is the one good thing about this—I've missed being in California.  
  
I miss Mac more though. Letters are nice, but it just isn't the same as seeing her or talking to her. I'm not sure my plan is working. Maybe it will just take time, time to ease out of her life and take my place on the fringes. But what if I don't want to be on the fringes? Sometimes Rabb, you do what's right instead of what you want.  
  
April 2004  
  
It's been eight months since I've seen her, and four since we talked. I think I'm finally getting used to the idea of us just being friends. Even the emotion in our letters has gradually softened into less than what it was.  
  
So far today has been a quiet day. Jess is still at work—she only has a few more weeks before she goes on maternity leave, and she wants to get as much done as possible. I just got home and I'm flipping through the mail. Hey, there's a card here from Bud and Harriet, I wonder what's going on in their lives?  
  
"Come celebrate AJ's fifth birthday with us!" Five years from this moment, if neither of us is in a relationship… I never thought it would be like this! What's going through her mind? She's remembered this the whole time, with her sense of timing. I have to talk to her, tell her I didn't just forget about our deal.  
  
Picking up the phone, I dial a number I still have memorized even after four months. "Lt. Col. Mackenzie," she answers.  
  
"Hello Sarah," I reply quietly. My mind is racing. What exactly am I going to say? I should have thought this out more before I called.  
  
"Harm? Is anything wrong, you sound funny?"  
  
"No, it's just been a long day," I tell her, lying through my teeth.  
  
"So what's up?" she asks.  
  
"I just got AJ's birthday invitation today, and I was hoping you'd tell him I'm sorry I'll miss it." Hey, I'm a lawyer, I can think on my feet. Hopefully this will tell her that I remembered and that I'm sorry once again for… well for being stupid.  
  
"Of course I will Harm… and I'm sure he'll be glad you remembered. You'd better call him yourself though."  
  
"Yeah, of course… well, that was all I wanted to say. Bye Mac, talk to you later," I said and hung up. She understood what I meant, why I was calling. Mac always was able to hear what I wasn't saying.  
  
The following Saturday  
  
I feel a moment of disorientation when I wake up, and then I remember. Last night I made some little off the wall comment to Jess, and somehow between my frazzled nerves with the Jefferson case and her emotions, it turned into a "If you really feel that way you can go stay at your mom's tonight" fight. Sighing, I get up and take a shower before I decide how I should go about giving my penance so I can come home today.  
  
After breakfast, I take a walk on the beach to clear my head. Just when I turned to head in, my cell phone rang. Looking at the call id, I realize that Sarah is on the other end. "Yes Sarah?" I say as I answer it.  
  
"Hey Harm… wait a minute, where are you?" she asks.  
  
"I'm at the beach outside my parent's place. Jess kicked me out last night," I tell her with a laugh.  
  
"Uh-oh… what did you do to anger your pregnant wife?"  
  
"Nothing major… just commented on how the nice April day didn't feel that hot to me. Apparently, that was not the right opinion to voice. It'll be fine by this evening, although I suspect I'd better get used to my old bedroom since I'll probably be here a lot over the next few months."  
  
Mac laughed at that. "Yeah, telling a pregnant woman it's not hot isn't the wisest move, but I'm sure you'll make worse mistakes. Don't forget this is all your fault," she teased.  
  
"Haha, thanks Mac. Hey, were you calling for a reason, or just to make fun of me?" I ask her, pretending to pout.  
  
I can hear her taking a deep breath, getting ready for whatever she has to tell me. Mentally I brace myself, knowing I probably won't like it. "I have a reason… Harm, I need you to stop calling me Sarah," she requests.  
  
In the five seconds before she spoke, thousands of possibilities went through my mind—I'm getting married, I got transferred, I just found out I have cancer—but not this. I never would have expected this. "I thought you liked that," I reply quietly.  
  
"I do Harm, a little too much. When you call me Sarah, it's just one more reminder that I'm alone. Please stop."  
  
I didn't think my heart could break anymore than it already had. She was asking me to give up the last bit of connection we had, the last little thing that made our relationship special. I don't know if I can do that… But apparently it's important to her, so I will. I know I've been quiet for a while (Mac could tell me how long) so I have to say something, let her know I understand. "Ok Mac, if that's what you want. Ah… I have to go now, talk to you later," I tell her and hung up.  
  
After staring at my phone for a moment, I throw myself down on the beach. Why did she do that? I don't understand… I thought she enjoyed having that last little bit of connection that we shared, but instead she asked me to give it up.  
  
I stare at the ocean for several minutes, the pain washing over me with the same cadence as the waves. It hurts so much—I feel like I'm losing her all over again, even though in truth I lost her that day last July when I got married to another woman. I never I would hurt as much as I did that day when I realized that she loved me, but this certainly comes close.  
  
What confuses me the most is the last thing she said. If she likes to hear me use her first name, why did she ask me to stop? She said she liked it too much… what does that mean? What does it mean to her when I call her Sarah? For that matter, what does it really mean to me? Why do I do it?  
  
The answer to that question helps me begin to understand all of this. I call her Sarah when I'm thinking about how much I love her. She knows that now, although she didn't always. The other thing she knows that I'm just beginning to figure out is that it's time to move on.  
  
If I keep calling her Sarah, I'll never forget how much I love her. Yes, there is a part of me that will always remember, but I need to try to remember it instead of living it. It has to be a small, secret part of my heart that is tucked away and only brought out occasionally. It isn't fair to Jess for me to be like this, with her but not really with her. Especially now that we're going to have a family, my heart needs to be here with her not in DC with Sarah… Mac. It'll take time to retrain my mind and my heart, but hopefully breaking this last connection will help. Now I can truly begin to form the same kind of connection with my wife.  
  
With my questions answered, I turn my attention back to the ocean. Now the constant pattern of the waves breaking against the shore provides a healing balm to my aching heart. I know that as the years go by the memories will become faint, but I also know that just as the ocean always remains, whether the tide is going in or out, my love for S… Mac will remain as well.  
  
Try to remember  
  
and if you remember  
  
then follow, follow follow…  
  
follow. 


End file.
